Alex-marie’s Story
Since childhood, Alex-marie has experienced anxiety and panic attacks. She shares how speaking about past trauma has helped her feel better.
Alex-marie grew up in a rural area and was sexually abused when she was seven years old. Rather than receiving the support she needed, Alex-marie was made to feel guilty for her experiences. She developed anxiety and began to suffer from panic attacks. “I tried to cope with it as best I could, but in the 1980s everything was brushed under the carpet,” she said. “I didn’t get help. I was powerless to do anything because it was a small area and everyone knew everybody’s business. I couldn’t say anything.”
“It pains me to say my family weren’t there for me. There wasn’t any love or understanding of what I was going through. My mum had a miscarriage after having me, and she blamed me for that. She called me an ogre. Then she had my younger brothers and I was a bit forgotten about. The only way I could cope was to hurt myself and I tried to take my own life several times. I didn’t want to be at home, or anywhere really. I felt really on my own.”
Things began to change when Alex-marie attended college, where she first met her husband, who supported her to find help. She said: “He saved me from all this trauma. He’s the one who helped me through it all, and got me the counselling I needed.”
Alex-marie was referred to a counsellor after speaking to her doctor, which helped her address her past experiences. After experiencing depression, Alex-marie took the decision to break off contact with her family. “It was the hardest thing but I had to do it for my own sanity. I was emotionally and mentally abused and suffered deep depression.”
There have been ups and downs since, but Alex-marie has consistently found support after talking to others about how she is feeling.
For instance, after having a bad spell at work, Alex-marie "felt the need to disappear again”, and she phoned the Samaritans. “They were so understanding. They saved me that day, when I was traumatised and couldn’t think how to get through it. It was like having the devil on one side and an angel on the other,” she said.
Now Alex-marie takes anti-depressants that help support her when she’s feeling low. “You get a good day and think ‘I can cope, I’m fine, I can live my life without these tablets’. And then the next day you realise you can’t. So I'm glad I'm on them.”
Alex-marie also uses a helpful technique to help manage her anxiety at work, where she wears an ‘anxiety awareness’ badge. The badge also starts conversations with other people, who chat with Alex-marie about their own experiences. “I suffer with panic attacks and I have had a few panic attacks at work. It’s a horrible thing. The badge is a good way for people to realise that, if I'm looking a bit strange sitting at the till, it’s nothing to do with them, it’s just the way I'm feeling. It’s also good because if other people come through who suffer with similar things, they often open up about it too.”
This year, as she and her husband prepare to celebrate their 24th wedding anniversary, Alex-marie wanted to share her story and advice with anyone who might be experiencing anxiety or panic attacks, or feeling low.
She said: “Speak about how you feel. Don’t bottle things up, that’s what I did and it’s the worst thing you can do. There’s no harm in talking. Talking is the best thing – whether it’s to your friend or you go and see a doctor. They’re there to help you.”
