Alexandra

For Alexandra happiness used to seem like an impossible ideal.

“I don’t think I’d appreciated what an enormous change going to university would be. I went to boarding school where every hour of every day was planned out for me. Staff and pupils knew each other’s names and I had a close support network. Apart from getting stressed about exams, I was happy.

“When I moved away to go to university, I initially loved the freedom. I was passionate about my subject and meeting lots of new people. 

“Then the novelty wore off and I realised I was struggling to adjust and to live up to the pressure to go out most nights, when actually, I was too exhausted. I had few real friends and spent a lot of time feeling awkward, isolated and like I didn’t fully belong. We’re all supposed to have ‘the time of our lives’ at university, and when you’re not, it just feels like added pressure.

“Eventually the workload got on top of me and I wasn’t connecting with those around me. I was sleep deprived, had a poor diet, wasn’t physically active, and drinking a lot. Everyone else was managing though, why wasn’t I? 

“If we’d had mental health awareness in school, perhaps I would have recognised the signs and sought help sooner. But instead, I got myself into a really bad state, trying to stick it out and not disappoint my parents. I hated admitting weakness, but my mum knew something wasn’t right and advised me to go to the student counselling centre, who told me to see my GP. I was diagnosed with depression, and my parents suggested I take some time out as they knew if I failed my exams I would beat myself up even more.

“I moved back in with my parents and got a job. I found it so tiring to appear happy when I felt so desperately sad. Human interaction was such an effort. I began calling in sick and spending all day in bed, which made me feel guilty. I was constantly thinking in the back of my mind, ‘Where am I heading?’ 

“Those around me were moving on with their lives and I felt I was getting left behind. All I saw on social media was people’s successes: university graduations, amazing jobs, engagements, and holidays abroad; which only added to my feelings of hopelessness. I wondered why I continued to live like this and how long I could bear it. 

“Although I’d asked to be referred to talking therapy, I was told I had to try medication first. The despair felt integral to me. How could taking a little pill help? I had tried several antidepressants which didn’t work, and believed I would never get better. My own brain had turned against me and my self-hatred was consuming. Happiness seemed like an impossible ideal.

“My mood was so low that even a little setback caused me to feel worthless and I had an overwhelming urge to punish myself by self-harming because I thought I deserved this pain. I was a burden, a lost cause. Self-harm left me feeling worse and more of a failure, stuck with a critical voice in my head.

“Eventually I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore and my mum took me to the GP in a panic. There I was honest about my suicidal thoughts and I felt like a huge burden had been lifted.

“She took me seriously, and after being assessed, I was hospitalised for my own safety. 

“For so long I had felt unable to say what I wanted to express and that made me feel frustrated. I was at crisis point before I eventually felt I had no choice but to tell the truth about how I was feeling. For ages I was in denial. My advice would be to speak to your doctor, or someone you trust, if your mood is low. Being open with professionals gets easier once you take the first step. 

“I was in and out of hospital for about a year and a half. On the wards there was no structure to the days, and the lack of psychological therapy surprised me. When I was discharged I received weekly support from SAMH, meeting with the same person each week. She helped me to establish a routine and build a life outside of hospital. We met for coffee and went to the gym together. We researched volunteering opportunities and online distance learning. This support, along with that of family and friends, has been crucial to my recovery.”