Jamie’s story

“Hi I'm Jamie.

"It can be hard to tell when the scales have tipped from being a normal functioning person to one that is suffering. The change can be so gradual that we can find ourselves all of a sudden drowning in the pain that we have been tolerating. For myself a defining moment in my experience with mental health was when I hit rock bottom in my early twenties but I'd like to start from the beginning, before I learned how to swim through it all.

"I was always a hyper child. In school it was suspected that I had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Not a great deal of treatment was available at the time though. I have a vague memory of my attention span being addressed in class with a timer and a worksheet: I was told to imagine that a bomb would go off if I did not complete my work in time.

"As I became a teenager my life began to change dramatically. My parents separated and I had to move house. At my academy I was bullied daily and was reluctant to go to school due to the fear of being threatened and assaulted. It was at the age of 13 I began to misuse cannabis and did so through my academic years until I left school.

"At the age of 16 I began using more illicit substances. Stimulants became a weekend ritual which opened the door to more substances that were harmful to the psyche.

"As time went on so did my misuse. The company I was surrounding myself with became less friendly and more sinister in their approaches to socialising. I was jumping from job to job constantly and was never really fulfilled. By this time I was unknowingly suffering from an anxiety disorder.

"In my early twenties the crowd I was hanging about with became even more detrimental to my mental health. Cheering each other on to go nights without sleep and accumulate substances was a daily routine. By this time I didn't know my purpose. It had been lost and it felt like all normality was a thing of the past. I was like a leaf being swept away with the wind.

"The addicts I hung about with then turned on me suddenly. I suffered mental trauma from the combination of sleep deprivation, illicit substances and the actions of those around me. I remember this being the lowest point when I ejected myself from the crowd and no longer made contact with anyone.

"For a couple of years I was extremely isolated. Lacking in confidence and without direction in life I became increasingly suicidal. I would constantly be in a state of regret about everything said and done. I would tell myself I'm worthless and would utter under my breath "I just want to die" on a regular basis. The aftermath of the trauma was the hardest for me, suicidal thoughts were like a rhythm that played in my mind consistently.

"I become more psychotic as time went on, until eventually I admitted myself to hospital. I was suffering severe psychotic symptoms. Every person's cough would feel painful, every laugh felt like it was directed at me. When I heard the letter "S" pronounced too sharply I believed people were insinuating that I was a snake.  I was in a great deal of mental pain, as if being alive was torturous. The doctors assessed me then I began a daily dose of antipsychotics and was given the diagnosis of 'drug-induced psychosis'.

"I was unaware of such medications before this. I thought I was a lost cause and nothing could revert the damage I had done to myself. As the months went on through my stay in hospital I began to feel like I could manage my life again. Things dramatically improved for me through the help of the medication and I was allocated a Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) upon my discharge.

"It was here that I began to learn to swim though my mental health issues. I learned about anxiety management with the help of my CPN and began to understand my illness more clearly, realising that triggers stimulated my anxiety and that if it was not managed correctly it could result in psychotic symptoms.

"I was reminded to abstain from illicit substances at each appointment by my psychiatric doctor. Although I had managed to overcome most of my misuse, I was still using cannabis for a number of years as a sort of crutch. The effect it has on recovery can be detrimental, not only did it keep me in contact with people suffering in active addiction, it was also the cause of many of my relapses. I was not medicine compliant and would often stop taking my medication altogether by believing I had suddenly become cured and no longer needed it anymore. My self-destructive behaviour was the result of another episode and eventually I was admitted to hospital again where I gained a more thorough diagnosis of 'paranoid schizophrenia'.  I was also signed onto benefits so that I could recover more thoroughly.

"My medications changed over the years and so did my attitude towards my recovery. I was coming out of the denial that had caused my suffering for so many years and was being more realistic with myself progressively. As time went on my life became more positive, my self-destructive behaviour and negative thinking lessened. I had been working on positive thinking through the years of my recovery and learned to respect myself over time. This has been encouraged through my support network and SAMH was a big part of that positive influence.

"At this point in my life I am completely clean from all substances, I am in regular contact with my psychiatric doctor and feel I have control over my treatment. I am able to recognise my triggers and when I may be becoming unwell with a better understanding of how to revert back to a well state.  I have a support network that checks on me and makes sure I am in a good state of mind. I am also prescribed a more suitable medication with side effects that I can handle.  Medication will always be a part of my life now, without it my mental health would become unmanageable so I have come to terms with the fact I need it.

"There was a point where I was engulfed in darkness, when I thought there was no hope and no way to succeed through the hardship I was experiencing. I was planning my demise daily and was in a cycle that I felt would never end. What I know now though is no matter how lost I may have felt, no matter how far gone I thought I was, there was always a brighter future waiting for me. I just needed to keep taking steps towards it.”