River
“Hi, I’m River (they/them).
“My story begins growing up with four siblings – three brothers and a sister. We were all quite chaotic growing up, but we formed a little gang of mischief! I was always very quiet, and loved reading – my teachers always told me I needed to contribute more in class because my mind was elsewhere.
“I think I probably had social anxiety from a very early age, but I was generally happy; until I had to move school. I missed my friends so much I became depressed, and started to self-harm at 14. No-one around me properly acknowledged this, and even finishing high school felt like such an achievement, I was certain I wouldn’t make it that far.
“Luckily my English teacher recognised my skill in that area, and I applied to study at university. I fell in love with the University of St Andrews and was delighted when I was successful. My mental health issues became less severe as I focused on moving to the beautiful seaside town.
“In October and November of that year, two of my friends passed away. I went to stay at my sister’s home in London, heartbroken and intent on taking my life. Thankfully, my GP in St Andrews saved me when they called out of the blue and asked me directly if I was feeling suicidal. That was the first time anyone had asked that question, and it was relief to say ‘yes’ and know I would finally be offered help. I didn’t have to expand on my feelings or try and rationalise my thoughts – I could just say ‘yes’ and go from there. It reminded me that people will reach out when you least expect it, even if you feel completely alone.
“After that I was hospitalised for a very long seven months. My tutor reached out to check on me, and assure me that my studies would be there for me when I came back. I am forever grateful that I randomly selected her class. When I felt like the universe was simply against me, I had people who understood and cared about me. I would love to see institutions like universities more educated on the effects of mental health. Many will look at a severely depressed student as lazy for not submitting their work.
“One of my friends that passed is the reason I want to help improve awareness. She spread so much love through the care packages she made for those struggling. She was one of the best people in the world and, for her, I’ll do as much as I can. I am reminded of her when I see sunflowers, and her endless jokes that brought us joy.
“My advice to anyone who is worried that someone in their life might be thinking about suicide is to not be afraid to ask. Try to approach them without judgement or fear, knowing resources to support them, and go from there. For me, I was afraid to say what I was feeling, and so it is so important to ask.
“When I have struggled with thoughts of suicide, it sounds cliché, but the people around me knowing about it helped me to cope. Being able to study and have the people who support my studies know what was going on, allowed me to partake in distractions while having help in place. It is hard to enjoy things when you’re suicidal, but if you can distract yourself, things don’t seem as impossible.
“I wish more people knew to reach out and ask people about the thoughts they are having. So many of us are struggling alone because the people around us are afraid to reach out.
“In the words scratched into a desk in my lecture hall, ‘it’ll be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.’”
Our Ask Them About Suicide campaign empowers people to directly and confidently address the topic of suicide if they think someone is at risk. Visit our campaign hub to watch the campaign film and find out more.
