Blog | Ask Them About Suicide: Why we must never be afraid to ask

5th January 2023

By Stuart MacQuarrie

“Did I say something wrong?” “Did I miss something?” “Why didn’t he/she speak with me?” 

And so the personal inquest begins. When we learn of the death by suicide of someone we know – however slight and distant that relationship – we haunt ourselves with these and similar questions. And then the question which haunts us most of all. “Why didn’t I ask them?” 

And that’s why the SAMH Ask Them About Suicide campaign is so very, very important. For ourselves asking the question, “Is suicide on your mind?” or “Are you thinking about suicide?” doesn’t mean we take responsibility for someone’s life. If someone ends their life by suicide it is a decision they will have reached after hours, days, weeks, months, years of agonising thought. It’s important to recognise the person made that decision whilst in the depths of despair, from a position they think is hopeless. Perhaps they may even think ending their life is in the best interests of those who love and care for them: that is always wrong. But, in asking if suicide is something they are considering, what we do is recognise the situation in which they see themselves. They are no longer alone in that dark, dismal place of despair but have another person willing to share with them. And this can turn hopelessness into hope. 

Once we know the person is considering suicide the next question has to be why? At this point most human beings naturally will point to what is referred to in Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST) as the reasons for living. We might ask the person to think of their family and the impact their death will have on them. We might heap guilt on the person by asking them to think of their pals, their pets. All this is very human. To the person though what really matters are not their reasons for living – they will have rationalised all of these, probably many times over. It is their reasons for dying which we need to explore with compassion and with empathy. In asking the question why they want to end their life, we show them they are valued. We demonstrate that someone cares. And as they go through their list of reasons for dying we don’t trivialise them, dismiss them or laugh at them. The person is trusting us with their most intimate thoughts. We mustn’t abuse or misuse that trust. Don’t forget it is we who asked the person. All they have done is trust us. 

And with these reasons for dying outlined we can begin to assist the person in addressing them. The reasons for dying may need specialist therapy or counselling. What we might do as we explore these reasons is to help the person find that specialist support. Or we can be available to speak with them after they have met with a counsellor. For us it is less about speaking and more about listening. The model I personally use is that often found in palliative care which is about accompaniment. It is never about judgement and often just being a presence in someone’s life. A dependable trustworthy presence that may be the only point of stability for someone. 

The reasons also open up the possibility that we can disable the person’s plan or at least offer an alternative whenever they feel vulnerable to the point where they may end their life. The key point is to establish a degree of trust where both people agree on a new plan that is an alternative to suicide. 

In my personal and professional life, I have been there with people. It is not an easy place to be and sometimes can be traumatic. More often than not it has not brought drama but has been in the normal, everyday encounters we have with other people. There have also been situations in which someone was contemplating suicide which I haven’t been aware. Only later did I learn that suicide was something that was being considered. Often we never know what is going on in someone’s life. Even someone very close to us. People for whom suicide has become a possibility in their life may go to quite extraordinary lengths to hide this from us. That’s why we must never be afraid to Ask Them. 

Asking them is something which is at times not easy. Much worse is the alternative of what may happen if we don’t ask.  

Visit www.samh.org.uk/ask to find out more about the Ask Them About Suicide campaign, and to access information and resources. 

Stuart retired as Chaplain to the University of Glasgow where he had served from 2001 to 2020. He changed the primary focus from religious observance to that of pastoral support. He is also involved in football and rugby as a Chaplain. He is particularly concerned to make Scotland a suicide free place by working for the mental and spiritual wellbeing of individuals and our shared life as a community. Stuart is a SAMH Trustee.